By: Shawnee Arnett, Staff Writer
Florida is a strange land filled many of the country’s retirees in combination with several different cultures, a healthy set of annual snowbirds, and oddities such as several nudist resorts, the inability to choose a presidential candidate, and the confusing monstrosity that is The Everglades.
Florida is widely known as “America’s Weirdest State,” and with good reason: not many states can boast of the high number of weird news stories coming from them in the way Florida can.
It is a combination of the state’s weirdness and the suppressed nature of the 1800’s that give Florida some of its strangest laws. Most of the laws on this list are, in fact, left over from the 19th century, and are only still in effect today because of the nuisance it would be to repeal them. As a result, these laws are ignored by lawmakers and members of the judicial system despite the fact that these laws can still technically be enforced today. Here are some of Florida’s craziest laws and some of the punishments supposedly assigned to the people who break them:
- Unmarried couples must not commit any “lewd acts” or reside under the same roof together
People who break this law are technically guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree. Throughout the number of generations that have passed since the establishment of this law, the idea of premarital relations has become an accepted part of society, while many couples opt to live with each other before marriage to get an idea of what they are getting into.
- Florida accidentally banned all computers and smartphones in the state.
Over the summer, lawmakers in Florida passed a bill that was intended to ban all internet cafes and slot machines in the state. However, the bill was written so poorly that it unintentionally banned people from using any computer or smartphone, as they technically count as “a system or network of devices that may be used in a game of chance.”
- It is illegal to skateboard without a license
Once upon a time, people were required to carry a special license in order to use a skateboard, much in the same way that people are required to have a license in order to drive a car today. Obviously, this law has since been ignored.
- Doors of all public buildings must open outward
This is more of a fire safety issue. It is thought that a door that opens outward would make it easier for a crowd to escape a burning building. While this is true, and it does make it easier for a group of people to exit a room at the same time, this law is generally ignored and many buildings have inward opening doors in what appears to be an act of defiance worthy of a John Hughes movie.
- Pregnant pigs must not be confined to cages
This law is part of Florida’s constitution and is more an issue of preventing animal cruelty. Under this law, a pregnant pig is not to be confined in any way unless the restraint is part of a veterinary procedure or part of the pre-birthing process.
- A person may not sell his or her own children
This is actually a great law to keep in place, though it is unfortunate that any person would consider selling his or her own child. This law condemns the selling of one’s child, specifically for the purpose of sexual trafficking. To sell one’s child and/or children is a felony of the first degree.
- One must not shower naked
This law provides an excuse for people all over Florida to sing Judas Priest’s “Breaking the Law” while showering. As one may suspect based on the obvious, this law is no longer enforced. The law was put into place during a darker, dirtier time in which people assumed that bathing would lead to illness and showered rarely in order to prevent said illness. Since we now have the scientific evidence to prove this theory wrong, there is no excuse to offend the nasal cavities of others for the sole purpose of obeying the outdated advice of yesteryear.
- One must not break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers per day
People who accidentally drop plates in the cafeteria should beware.
- If a woman falls asleep under a hair dryer at a hair salon, both the woman and the hair salon may be fined
This was created as more of a safety issue: it is more difficult for a sleeping woman to comprehend that her head is baking than it is for a fully alert woman. This law, however, is no longer enforced, and salon-goers all over Florida now have the freedom to fall asleep under the warmth of a hair dryer after reading the latest celebrity gossip in Cosmo in peace.
- Unmarried women are not allowed to parachute on Sundays
If a woman were to be found guilty of this crime during the time in which it was active, she would be subject to arrest and a fine. One word: sexism.
- A man may not kiss his wife’s breasts
This is yet another example of the controlling “moral” laws during a time in which the sight of a woman’s ankle was considered risqué. In modern times, however, what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is nobody’s business but their own.
- It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a bathing suit
Those who inexplicably engage in reenactments of anything from High School Musical should beware, though these reenactments will probably only draw confusion and contempt from others.
- If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the person who tied it there must pay the parking meter as if the elephant were a motor vehicle
This is apparently how Florida deals with residents who attempt to avoid being charged for parking by riding their everyday household pet elephants to the beach. Florida always has a perfectly logical backup plan, however, so those who wish to bring an elephant to the beach must pay to park it.
- The penalty for horse theft is death by hanging
Though hangings are no longer a legal punishment, it is disturbing to think of what would bring on something as extreme as the death penalty in centuries past.
- Men may not be seen in public in any sort of strapless gown
For those who are disappointed by this blatant example of discrimination, it is important to remember that the key word is strapless. The cap sleeve, halter, and spaghetti strap options are still perfectly legal.
- It is illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine
This is yet another example of a law that still has every right to be in effect. Bestiality is generally considered to be animal cruelty, and considering that porcupines are covered in sharp quills, it is a terrible idea to walk up to one and touch it, let alone sexually violate it.
- A person is not allowed to engage in any “unnatural acts” with another person
Though this law is vague, it outlaws any “unnatural or lascivious” behavior between two people. Based on the social standards of the time, it probably made illegal any act that was not missionary sex between a married couple.
- It is illegal for a couple to have sex in any position other than missionary
Yep.
- It is illegal to have oral sex
Double yep.
- In Destin, it is illegal for the owner of a store to allow a person to pass out free ducklings in front of the store
It is not clear what store owner did this or why he or she specifically wanted ducks to be passed out, but this clearly enraged the authorities to the point that an entire law had to be made in order to prevent it.
- In Miami, no one may bring a pig to the beach
This is probably for the best, since some pigs can be aggressive and some humans can be really stupid, especially when given the opportunity to harass an innocent pig near a large body of water.
- In Pensacola, a woman may be fined (after her death) for being electrocuted in a bath tub from using self-beautification utensils
Though it is generally thought to be a terrible idea for a person to be anywhere near a device that is plugged in while in a bath tub, it is a bit harsh to punish a woman with a fine on top of her death.
- In Daytona, it is illegal to molest a trash can
Please DO NOT molest a trash can. Nothing good can come from that.
Again, the vast majority of these laws are currently ignored, however, it is always interesting (and often disturbing) to see what was considered “wrong” in the generations before our time.
