By Kyle Dunlap, Copy Editor
Saint Leo University is reeling today after a huge loss amongst the student body. Steven iPhone, 2, was found dead in a student’s residence this morning after a long night of partying and celebrating the end of a long week of classes. Initially, foul play was not suspected. However, new evidence has been uncovered. Senior Edward Oliva, a witness to the crime, said that the phone’s guardian, Sophomore Dakota Rios, “left the phone in her bedroom all night while she was playing Scene It with her friends. She means well, but it seems like neglect to me.” Others participating in the party could not be reached for comment as of the printing of this issue.
Steven iPhone was well known for his contributions good and bad to the campus life. He was professional, always keeping his guardian’s mail up to date and keeping track of classes and appointments for her. He was also a social butterfly; Twitter and Facebook were both on his front page, always ready for use. He also dealt with disciplinary issues, such as announcing things loudly in classrooms and meetings, something that his guardian attempted to quiet:
“I’d turn his speaker off during class periods by flipping the mute switch, but sometimes he’d just be so excited and want to tell the world about my text messages and emails. He loved life and wanted to make the most of it. In fact, he was always recommending apps to me to keep me doing something new. I’ll miss him,” Rios said. When asked about the circumstances of his death, she stated that “he’d spent numerous nights in the bedroom with no problem, but this one just finished it off.”
Oliva has a different take on it: “She should have never left it alone. For one thing, little Steven might have had an important message for her, and she’d have missed it with it in the bedroom. And, if he’d have been with her, he might have lived to tell her about more messages in the future. It’s a crying shame.” When asked for comment regarding the accusations of neglect, Rios declined to comment, stating that she “did not want her privacy invaded until any and all investigations were complete.”
Steven iPhone is survived by his wife, Laurene iPad (7 months), and his sons Reed and Lawrence iPod (2 and 4 months, respectively). The only saving grace of this tragedy is that Steven had his mind backed up to his grandfather, Archie iMac, prior to his death. We at the Lions’ Pride and at Saint Leo hope for the best and eagerly await the results of the cloning process.
